It’s strange when you make your thoughts clear to someone (clear, not necessarily sane) and then watch them proceed to take only those actions which might further upset or frighten you. They miss entirely even the slightest little reassuring gesture available (or purposefully side-step it, who can say).
I spent the evening reminding myself that the most important piece of information in any situation like this is that while you are hyperventilating in the shower and staring at the popcorn on your ceiling instead of sleeping — that other person has been peacefully in bed for hours. (And they didn’t even need a benadryl.)
They are not crying. They are not feeling the restless tear of not being able to do anything about whatever situation. They are in control of that situation. They chose it, so why would they be so bothered? They aren’t spending their day thinking of you, if they happened to that day at all…
I’m not saying that they don’t care at all. That would be an over-generalization. But face it, they don’t care like you do. It ain’t going to ruin their life if you go. They will press on. They don’t need you, and the fact that you’ve admitted otherwise not only shows you are weak but also further distanced their feelings from you. (Cuz now, you be crazy.)
Something about human nature enjoying being contrary, I guess. (And less enjoying the fact you crazy.)
So remember, you can write as many un-sent letters as you like — but there aren’t any coming to you. As you watch the sunset in tepid silence, they are not on their way to you. That door closing, it’s not their fucking door, OK? STOP LOOKING OUT THE WINDOW.
You’re more likely to be burgled than you are to be on the receiving end of any grand gesture.
So stop. Stop crying, don’t pace. For Christ’s sake, turn off the phone, won’t you? And if you can’t, remember that all your alerts will push to you. There is nothing you are missing. THERE IS NOTHING YOU ARE MISSING.
You might then beat yourself up for asking the question(s) that tipped this boat over… but remember, whether or not you ask the question, the answer remains true.
It got there before you did. There was no gun to be jumped, the bullet was clear out the barrel long, long ago.
I can’t say where that leaves you now. It’s not as easy as telling you to chill out. To get on with it, not let it conquer your mind, to find something else to do. Because it’s not as easy as immersing yourself in chores or pushing the off button on your psyche. You will not suddenly be more effective, you might not be better than the broken heart you’re left with.
But seriously, stop re-writing it. Stop imagining explainations you will never get, speeches unsaid, misconceptions cleared and reassurances offered. If they were thinking those things, they would have told you. If they wanted to ease your heart, they knew how.
What makes you even think you want that stammering empty phone call, anyway? Would it make you feel better to have it pounded even more firmly into your skull? You really do take masochism to a whole new level, don’t you?
Just remember, dear… use this as your mantra until you can push this whole thing back into a far recess of un-used grey matter:
If they wanted to make this better, if they wanted to ease your heart, they would have already.
If they wanted to make this better, they knew how.
Honey, they just choose not to.
They just chose not to.